by Bill Fell

        I must thank Fred Woodley for sending me some of his old Nonsuch copies.  I found an advert; for the DULCIGLO.  On reading about what it could do and my eyes not being as good as they used to be (I’m awaiting a cataract job) I thought this would help me to carry on playing.  I did think it was a bit pricey though, my bank balance wasn’t too healthy though so I thought what the hell, tackle the bank manager.  Well after an hour or two of bartering I finally convinced him that he would get his money back come the millennium with a bit of luck.  So now having screwed him for the dosh I went into town to sort a music shop out that flogged DULCIGLO, I eventually found one.  I couldn’t wait to get back home to try it out.  By this time it was getting quite dark just right for trying the contraption out to see if it does what it said in the advert.  Having set my dulcimer up I proceed to read the instruction book.  Taking it out of it’s box I found two leads with a crocodile clip on each, I clipped one on each side of the steel rods on the right and left of the dulcimer as per instructions, then bunged the 13 AMP PLUG INTO THE SOCKET, I turned out the light and switched on the duciglow.  By Christ did those wires glow, you could almost see to read by it.  Turning to the book again to see what next I found there was three tunes they recommended, so I started to play the HAM’S HALL CONCERTO.  The sound was very different to the usual dulcimer sound not unpleasant though, a kind of sploose zig zag, I was half way through this when a voice from the kitchen shouted “what are you doing in there, you’re not stripping the wallpaper again are you?”  I replied “no, I’m playing my dulcimer”.  “Oh” was the reply.  Anyway I carried on.  By this time the room was getting quite warm so I switched off two bars of our electric fire.

           By this time I realised that I had not eaten since morning so thought I’d do me a couple of bits of toast to appease my hunger so on going to our toaster  suddenly thought why waste more electricity bung ‘em over the DULCIGLO and see what happens, low and behold it works, have you ever tried zebra toast, you know alternate brown and white striped toast, lovely.  Having scoffed my toast I got back to the DULCIGLO again.  The next tune in the book was something called THE GENERATOR JIVE so set to work on this, funny kind of sound though, zoky zis plong, didn’t think much of it in fact I thought it was terrible.  I happened to look down at the socket and plug and noticed a puff of smoke just as our lights went out, what now I thought.  On checking the 13 amp plug found instead of the usual 13 amp fuse there was a small piece of solid copper rod, queer I thought but I suppose they know best so went to the main fuse at our supply intake, on opening the fuse box surprised to see black pitch all down the side of the LUCY BOX by the main cable.  Oh dear, this is a job for the MEB so getting in though with them they promised to send a bloke straight round which they did.  The engineer asked what load I’d got, “only our 3 bar fire and water heater” I said, “must be a fault box” he said “I’ll change it”, which he did.

Well by this time I was beginning to get  suspicious about this DULCIGLO CONTRAPTION.  I decided to take it back to see what the fellow had to say about it.  On arriving at the shop I found it all boarded up, on enquiring next door was told he’d packed his bags and gone to the South of FRANCE for a very very long holiday.  They say there’s one born every minute, I must be the king of ‘em all.  Getting back home I had a real good look at this adapter thing and on the back was stamped in large letters N.H.S   174-GH.  Now thinking when I first tried it out was with my old steel plectrums and noticed a funny feeling go up my right arm across my chest and down my left arm, it reminded me of that thing they use in hospitals to bring some one round after their ticker had stopped.  You know when they shout “STAND CLEAR” and wallop the patient jumps about two foot off the bed and his ticker starts up again.  I think this DUCLIGLOW WAS ONE OF THESE AND ADAPTED FOR A FIRST CLASS MUG LIKE YOURS TRULY.

PS  Does anyone want a few pounds of barbecue charcoal interlaced with bits of blued steel.

I suppose I’ll have to go busking now to get the bank bloke his spondulicks which I now owe the tight fisted so and so.

An editor's note accompanied the letter:-

We contacted Heinrich von Thistlethwaite, the Chief Executive of the Dulciglo Corporation for a response and got this reply:-

Your reader seems to have got hold of a Taiwanese Dulciglo imitation. These are all too prevalent in the far east and are known to be smuggled in to the UK inside innocent looking heroin shipments. Before buying a Dulciglo always check to see that it has the original official "Beware High Voltage" sticker.

Heinrich von Thistlethwaite - Railway Cuttings, Monte Carlo